When you’re intimate, the heat from each other feels like electricity from the tousling over each other, coupled with looking in your partner’s eyes, which causes a natural reaction to squeal or squirm. In those moments, it’s easy to wonder what happens when feelings get too intense, and you need space to express yourself, but don’t know exactly what to say in the bedroom.
What started as a video stitch praising nasty talk after seeing a group of podcasters claim it was “awkward” turned Marcqwan Reid into the guru for talking your partner through it. Using his cinematic, lusty story times, the creator and comedian never shields his viewpoints and creates a space for young men to discuss sex in a blunt but healthy way. Reid says it’s important to have two safety words: one to completely stop and another to eliminate an act. When he receives DMS, he gives tips on ways to engage in mutual consent.
“Things happen. You can be in the middle of it and then not want to do it anymore, and having the safety words to let you know, ‘Hey, look, I’m not comfortable with this.’ Is also just good to have,” he told EBONY. As a man experienced in degrading and praise kinks, he says both are a spectrum with different intensities. Reid’s DM’s are slammed with questions regarding relationship dynamics. His best advice is to create a bond when shame is nonexistent and to know your partner’s body.
“My therapist says it’s called talking in the twos and not the ones. Don’t be like, ‘Hey, I want to try this.’ Be like, ‘You know, would you be open to trying this like together?’” he said. “I was talking to this one guy; he was telling me, ‘It’s just easier to make her finish using a toy.’ What if you two are driving and you don’t have the toy? Then what? She’s not going to get her [orgasm] because you didn’t take the time to explore?”
In her journey, sex educator Kiana Lewis said she was always interested in “taboo” topics. Sure enough, she taught people “pleasurable, accurate information.” Lewis said her values were rooted in bringing her clients the greatest sense of connection and joy; however, not synonymous with having a copious amount of bedroom play. Despite her clients’ sexual orientation or identity, “queering the sex” was central in her professional morale. For some couples, having dialogue may be important, but the educator believes the simpler, the better. Whether it’s using solo pleasure in sync with your voice as practice, or playing with volume to your motion, Lewis says it’s best to hear what your voice sounds like authentically and not overperform.
“Some people like hearing somebody’s really soft, whispered, dirty talk. If it’s like right up in their ear, on their neck,” she said. “Do you do better when somebody prompts you? If you prefer somebody to be like, ‘Do you like that or how’s this?’ I think that’s better for the folks who sometimes are in their heads and can’t really think on the spot of what to say.”
For queer-centered sub and dom relationships, adding layers of power intertwined with the vulnerable gray area that arises during intercourse, these stimulations make communication harder to explore each other’s bodies. Still, Lewis says to lay out as many ground rules, questions, and scenarios as possible before acting on power play. She recommends coming into a conversation as pure and intentional as possible, which may create opportunities for both passions to be heard and fulfilled.
Victoria Bryce-Chan defied trauma by healing, leaning into abstinence, and gaining agency over her body after feeling intimacy wasn’t mutually exchanged and used for her last partner’s benefit. Knowing that sensuality is overtly vilified in society, the former professional dancer used what she calls “market research,” a digestible term for sharing her experiences with potential beaus on Instagram. These adventures cultivated her brand, Unfiltered Hours. What started as a therapeutic outlet turned into a sex positive platform where women became autonomous with their bodies.
“We have never been given permission as women to own our own bodies. It’s always belonged to everybody else, and I feel like that’s a way to keep us stuck in this system and to control us,” she told EBONY.
Bryce-Chan attributes wellness to self-care and sexuality as she guides her community through stretching, pole dancing classes, and provocative riding techniques as a way to connect with one’s essence. She learned that harnessing her sexual energy and body without a man was her path to eternal self-love—a superpower she unlocked. Though the creator curates content that illuminates one’s four walls, to her, dirty talk is emboldening one’s stimulation.
She advises practicing it during solo play before hopping into bed with a potential partner. Using directions on where one likes to be stroked is a gateway for beginners. Hearing “you look good or you feel so good,” or an occasional slap or spit, the educator enjoys, but she doesn’t speak when it’s time for intimacy; she’s reactive and lets her breath do the talking.
“I’ve talked a man through his breathing. I was telling him, ‘Breathe for me, hold your breath.’ As I’m like giving him a hand job. ‘Hold your breath. Breathe out. Sharp inhale,’” she said. In the digital world of erotica and fluidity, Bryce-Chan confesses to leaning more dominant but suggests BDSM partnerships or acts that require “gagging” to use resistance and space in the moment, and establish trust before stepping into a place of passion. “It can be movement, it can be motion, like two taps on a person’s shoulder, or when you put your hand up or put a finger out,” she said. “Submission is about trust; submission is about relaxation as well.”