There are many unspoken rules in today’s dating scene, but somewhere along the way, we may have gotten it all wrong. For instance, most Black daters prioritize secrecy over visibility and caution over clarity. Oftentimes, these habits can skew our perception of dating as a whole.
However, Amber Cooper, Head of Brand at BLK, says this doesn’t always have to be a negative. “For Black daters, privacy can be healthy discernment, protecting something sacred while it’s still forming,” Cooper tells EBONY. Adding, “where it becomes limiting is when privacy turns into hiding, or when people avoid commitment because they’re afraid of being seen trying.”
According to Forbes Health, 63 percent of singles say there’s more passivity in making the first move since relationship dynamics are more ambiguous now. For Black daters, this rings more than true. Cooper says a challenge she consistently sees among her BLK app users consists of a lack of consistency, unclear intentions, and emotional unavailability. “[It’s] not because Black people don’t want love, but because modern dating culture rewards low effort and ambiguity,” she says.
Certified life and relationship coach Kelli K. Fisher adds another factor, noting that many singles lack dating experience and skills because they were never given permission to date freely and to approach it as a fun, discovery-driven experience. “Historically, Black daters, especially females, would rely on advice that was passed down from parents and grandparents, and it skewed more toward what not to do, almost from a place of fear, as opposed to looking at dating and relationships as a healthy part of life,” says Fisher, who makes up half of The Matchmaking DUO.
Fisher’s matchmaking counterpart, Tana C. Gilmore, echoes this, telling EBONY, “you can’t separate Black dating from Black history.” “Generational trauma, economic instability, mass incarceration, survival-based independence, and the legacy of relationships being disrupted all shape how love is approached.” Gilmore continues by saying, “many of us were taught resilience before romance, strength before softness…with regards to how we raise our young girls: books before boys—get your education now, and love will come later.”
Situations like this are why Gilmore believes many Black daters feel like they missed the window of opportunity to find love. Perhaps this is also why some Black singles are looking to approach dating like other races and ethnicities, who value exclusivity, shorter timelines, and bold displays of their love.
“Many other cultures prioritize clarity early, ‘Why are we here? Where is this going?’ Exclusivity isn’t seen as pressure, it’s seen as focus,” says Gilmore, who’s been a professional matchmaker for 13 years.
In other cultures, love and relationships are welcomed and celebrated earlier in life. Some parents embrace adolescent relationships with open dialogue and even include their children’s partners on family vacations and holiday functions. Although there isn’t a right or wrong way to date, experience is the best teacher.
“Over the last five years or so, I’ve noticed more curiosity from younger Black daters to learn more about the process of dating, imagining what healthy relationships look like for them and allowing themselves to be more free when approaching love,” Fisher tells EBONY, adding, “it feels great to see Black daters operating in more freedom than ever.”
BLK 2026 dating trends report shows 81.9 percent of people actively evaluate relationships based on emotional returns, normalized check-ins, shared goals, and course corrections. “The takeaway is that clarity is a cheat code,” says Cooper. “Black daters benefit when we feel empowered to name what we want, early, and when we choose partners who respond with consistency rather than confusion.”
“The right person won’t be scared by your standards; they will respect them,” she adds. While it’s not exactly fair to suggest Black people need to mimic the dating styles of other races, it is helpful to navigate the modern dating scene with a sense of openness, awareness, and most importantly, fun.