Hair has always been a major way I, like many people, choose to express myself. However, it wasn’t until I became an actively dating adult that I realized my hair was unintentionally sending signals and attracting different people depending on how I wore it.
Bolder colors seemed to attract players, braids and curly styles drew more vibrant individuals, and straighter hairstyles brought in a mix of young and older professionals. At first, I wondered if this was simply a coincidence, but then I started hearing similar stories from other people. Which ultimately had me questioning: can something as surface-level as hair dictate your dating life?
Well, Ashley L. Dalton, a level-up coach, believes it does. Dalton, who has built a following by helping women upgrade their lives and appearance, says the main question she gets is how to style their hair. “Hair is tied to our identity, and we are judged, if I’m being honest, based on our hair first,” Dalton told EBONY. “I do feel like a hairstyle can change how people view you…I think the energy you have behind a hairstyle, the way you carry that hairstyle—that plays a part too, for sure.”
Last year, one of Dalton’s followers expressed that she was tired of attracting hotep/free-spirited men with her loc’d styled hair. Dalton suggested styling her locs differently, looking to Chloe and Halle Bailey for inspiration, or to opt for a shorter cut.
“Within five days, she cut her locs off into a pixie, and she said, ‘The world changed,’” Dalton said. “She received more options, and that’s not to say she didn’t look beautiful with the locs, but she noticed a drastic difference in who was approaching her and how she was being received in the world, not just by men, but by everyone.”
Similarly, professional hairstylist of 12 years, Shara Williams, says, one standout style that has improved her clients’ dating experiences is the flip-over curly look. “It tends to enhance a soft, feminine wifey aesthetic and gives off natural, effortless beauty,” Williams said. “Many clients love that it looks so natural that people can’t always tell whether it’s their real hair or not.”
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For Williams, the best styles can be found at the root of natural and complementary to one’s features. This includes wearing natural colors, manageable lengths, and soft layers. Universally, she says wavy or curlier textures are more appealing at shorter lengths, adding that it’s less about the specific style and more about the overall presentation. “Keeping your hair well-maintained and styled makes a bigger difference than the actual look itself,” Williams told EBONY. She adds, “neglect, rather than style choice, is what can limit appeal.”
From an evolutionary psychological perspective, Dr. Wendi Williams says hair and how it grows are great indicators of vitality and well-being. In fact, a British Journal of Dermatology study shows that early humans used their hair to signal health, maturity, and status.
“Just like other elements of our physical health, beauty can be a reflection of our internal health and perhaps a shortcut for folks to make determinations about the health of an individual and whether or not they’d be someone to date and possibly marry,” she said.
Dr. Williams, who’s the president of the American Psychological Association, shares that she’s all for people experimenting and exploring different hairstyles for attention. However, she does caution people about relying solely on these methods to boost their self-esteem while dating.
“The tricky part is how much of this do [you] attribute to who [you are] versus how someone’s engaging with [you] because of [what they’re] seeing,” Dr. Williams said. “Are they going to be someone who can talk to [you] when [you’re] wearing the tiny Afro or when [you’re] doing another hairstyle that they may or may not be attracted to,” she questions. “I think ultimately, a foundation of self and self-worth that is consistent, irrespective of your hairstyle, would be the goal.”
Anwar White agrees. While the dating strategist of 16 years says hair is an important factor in dating—especially in the age of dating apps—being secure in who you are is truly the key to success. “There’s a saying: hard wig, soft life. That signals something, that signals ‘I play by my own rules. I don’t care what anybody else thinks,’ and I think part of that is attractive to these wealthier men, who also don’t play by anybody else’s rules.”
Over the years, White has found that non-Black men with long hair, buzzcuts, and even curly high tops are more likely to date Black women due to these sentiments. “These are things that represent, ‘I’m not conforming to what you want me to be, and because of that, I am going to live the life that I want to live without other people’s opinions,’” he said.
While we often say it’s just hair, it’s more than apparent that it really is not. Whether it’s curly, long, short, or blue—the overall takeaway is to make sure you feel like the best version of you in every scenario.
“What every Black woman knows is that feeling you get after you step out of the salon—you feel amazing about yourself, you are confident about how you look, and who you are as a woman—that is the thing that is going to drive the success in your dating life, not your hairstyle or color,” White said.