After more than 30 hours of labor, I felt like I had run a marathon. I was dehydrated, exhausted, and felt like my body was caving in on itself. But, of course, once my daughter was born, all of those feelings seemed to go away. She was here, and after already spending long enough in the hospital, I was prepared to leave once I hit the 48-hour mark.
I expected what other mothers probably expect during those first two days: little to no sleep, lots of pictures, learning how to breastfeed or bottle-feed, tackling that first gnarly diaper change, and the usual newborn tests before the baby is discharged. My daughter passed all of her newborn tests, so I believed we were in good shape. The most stressful thing was that I couldn’t get her to breastfeed. Little did I know, her not being able to breastfeed was part of a bigger issue.
Later that night, she tested positive for jaundice and immediately began phototherapy. By the next day, we learned she had developed an infection and would need to be transferred to the NICU once I was discharged. It wasn’t until we walked through those NICU doors that it really hit me: my daughter was sick. My daughter spent six days in the NICU, and during those six days, I had to learn how to be her mom in a way I hadn’t prepared for. Now, a year later, these are some of the lessons that stayed with me and what experts want other Black NICU parents to know.
You Are Still Your Baby’s Parent
One of the hardest parts was figuring out what being her mom looked like when so much of her care was suddenly in someone else’s hands. Dr. Valencia Walker, President and Co-Founder of Birthing the Magic Collaborative and Public Voices Fellow of the Op-Ed Project in collaboration with the National Black Child Development Institute, told EBONY that parents are entering what she calls a “very abnormal, normal world.”
“It’s overwhelming. And that’s normal,” Dr. Walker said. “You’re still the parents, and even though it’s scary, it’s important to know that you are still a part of taking care of your baby.” For me, that meant adjusting what taking care of my daughter looked like. I couldn’t hold her for as long as I wanted. I was too scared to swaddle her with the wires and IV lines attached to her, so I relied on the NICU nurses for help. I gave up on breastfeeding in the NICU and relied on pumping milk and supplementing with formula.
What helped me feel like a mom again were the littlest things I could do to make it feel like home. I’d read to her, brush her hair, and put little pieces of clothing on her. Dr. La Shawn M. Paul, DSW, LCSW-R, founder of Social Work Diva and Redefine Strong: Black Women’s Mental Health Conference, told EBONY that finding ways to participate in a baby’s care can be empowering during an otherwise unpredictable experience.
“This could look like being involved with feedings, holding your newborn’s hands or holding them for skin-to-skin, talking or reading to your newborn,” Dr. Paul said. “Getting involved as safely as possible is empowering because routine breeds feelings of control in times that may feel unpredictable.”
Ask Questions—Even If You Think They’re Small
Before having my daughter, when it came to my own health and wellness, I was very agreeable and calm, but I rarely asked questions. I was always like, “Eh, I’ll just Google it later.” Having my daughter gave me confidence I didn’t know I needed. If there was the smallest thing I didn’t quite understand, I asked. I constantly asked about her antibiotic schedule, whether her jaundice was improving, and what needed to happen next.
Walker said parents shouldn’t feel like they’re expected to suddenly understand an entirely new medical language just because their baby is in the NICU. It’s okay to say, ‘This is what I think I understand. Is that right?’” Walker said. “If you’re not right, that’s okay. You didn’t go to med school or nursing school. You’re hearing words you’ve never heard before in your life.”
NICU social workers can help navigate that new world. “I wish more parents knew that you do not have to wait for the social worker to come see you and you can request them,” Paul said. NICU social workers can help parents understand their baby’s care plan, provide emotional support and connect families with resources. Depending on a family’s needs and hospital, Paul said that can include support groups, car seats and safe sleep spaces, home-care referrals and durable medical equipment.
Black Parents Should Feel Empowered To Make Their Wishes Known
While I was grateful to feel incredibly supported during my daughter’s NICU stay, Black families can encounter challenges while navigating neonatal care. Dr. Walker said one of those challenges can involve assumptions about whether Black mothers want to provide breast milk. “There may be an assumption that as a Black mother, you don’t want to provide human milk,” Dr. Walker said. “But the reason why the rates are lower isn’t necessarily related to interest or desire. It’s usually a lack of knowledge and support.”
Walker encouraged mothers who hope to breastfeed to make that goal clear to their NICU team and to ask what resources are available, whether that’s help obtaining a pump, learning how to hand-express, or asking whether donor human milk or formula is an option.
Taking Care Of Yourself Is Part Of The Care Plan
Several hours after giving birth, I tried to take my first postpartum comfort shower in the hospital. It just didn’t hit. I’m sure there are people like me who know nothing hits better than a comfort shower in your own place, with no plans afterward. Eventually, my mom literally told me to go home, shower, and have some time to myself. I didn’t want to leave my daughter. She was sick, and I wanted to keep pumping, keep trying to nurse, and wait for any update, even though I knew there wasn’t anything happening. But at the time, I lived with my parents, so I went back to my childhood home and took that shower.
It helped kickstart me taking care of myself. I started purposely sitting outside while I ate so I could get fresh air and listen to the sounds of the outside world before heading back inside to the beeping, ringing, and crying babies. Paul recommends NICU parents think about postpartum care differently. “Parents should treat postpartum care as a medical need,” she said. “Reframing self-care as recovery shifts the mindset that taking care of yourself takes anything away from your NICU baby.”
Walker put it even more simply: “Put your oxygen mask on first.” That doesn’t mean the guilt automatically disappears. I absolutely felt guilty walking out of the building without my daughter. No parent wants to walk out of a hospital while their baby is still a patient there. Yes, I was a mother. I had started motherhood, but it wasn’t the way I’d envisioned. I felt like I was living in this muddled reality.
Going Home Can Be Scary, Too
When we finally found out we could take our daughter home, I was excited and scared at the same time. I was ready to welcome her home, but I’d also grown comfortable having a team of professionals around my daughter who were used to peeking their heads in anytime she made a peep. “Upon discharge, many NICU parents experience anxiousness when they lose the safety net of having medical professionals taking care of their newborn,” Dr. Paul said.
For parents whose worry doesn’t begin to ease, Dr. Paul recommends seeking mental health support, especially when the NICU or birth experience is being persistently replayed, worry about the baby’s health becomes difficult to control, or symptoms such as numbness, hypervigilance, and disruptions to sleeping or eating begin interfering with everyday life. “You also do not have to wait until you experience major disruption to seek professional treatment,” Dr. Paul iterated. “Therapy can be used as another tool in postpartum care to help discuss the stress related to the complexities of having a baby in the NICU.”
My daughter recently turned one. If I could sit beside the version of myself who spent those six days in the NICU, I’d tell her that you did everything the best you could, and your daughter is thriving. This is your first time experiencing all of this. It’s okay to feel overwhelmed by all these feelings, and it’s okay to feel numb. Take time for yourself when you can. Ask questions. And know you are doing the best thing you can for your baby.