Shanti Das built a successful career working behind the scenes in the music industry as an executive. But behind that success, Das was struggling with depression and suicidal thoughts—something she says many people around her didn’t know because she was “high functioning.”
That experience is part of what makes the phrase “check on your strong friends” especially personal for Das. “I think what made it most difficult for me was that I was ashamed. I was also embarrassed, so I allowed stigma to get the best of me,” Das, founder and CEO of Silence the Shame and author of Silencing MY Shame, told EBONY. “People were so used to seeing me as successful, and I was used to seeing myself that way too.”
Being the “Strong Friend” Can Make It Harder to Ask for Help
When someone doesn’t want to burden others with their problems, it can feel easier to put on a mask and keep going. Over time, that mask can create the perception that they’re the “strong friend”—the person who has it all together and rarely needs support.
“Because I was high-functioning, I don’t think many people knew what was happening. I was masking it. I was wearing a mask that made it appear as though everything was normal, even though I was hurting on the inside,” Das said.
But being the person everyone relies on doesn’t mean you don’t need support yourself. “Sometimes the strong people are the ones who constantly need support because we’re always pouring ourselves into other people,” Das adds. “If you’re the person everyone considers the strongest—the matriarch or patriarch of the family, the leader, the person everyone depends on—you need help too.”
For many Black people, Das says cultural and systemic barriers can make asking for help difficult. She points to the weight of the “strong Black woman” or “strong Black man” archetype, along with a longstanding mistrust of the healthcare system and a shortage of culturally competent providers, as reasons it can be especially hard to say “I need help” out loud. It’s why organizations like Silence the Shame play an important role in helping eradicate the stigma around mental health and wellness.
The Signs Someone Is Struggling Aren’t Always Obvious
“I think part of the challenge here is that we spend a lot of our awareness waiting for people to look depressed,” Kier Gaines, licensed therapist, mental health advocate and author of It All Starts When You Do, told EBONY when asked what signs to look for when someone may be struggling. “We’re hunting for these really obvious signs of dysfunction. That causes us to miss the person and be misdirected by the performance. They’re still going to work. They’re still parenting. They’re still answering texts. They’re still making everybody laugh. People can perform really well while they’re struggling.”
Rather than looking for sadness, Gaines recommends paying attention to whether someone seems different. That includes withdrawing, becoming harder to reach, increasing substance use or taking risks that feel out of character. He says he pays attention to the difference between tiredness and hopelessness.
Someone saying they’re exhausted is different from someone beginning to believe that things will never get better. Gaines also listens for language suggesting that someone feels like a burden, which can signal that something deeper may be happening.
“The biggest thing I would say is: don’t wait for somebody to look sad,” Gaines adds.
Stop Asking “Are You Good?”—Here’s How To Really Check In
These days, when it comes to checking in, we may send a quick text asking, “How are you?” or “Are you good?” The typical response is often, “I’m good,” and the conversation moves on. But that doesn’t paint the full picture of what someone may actually be experiencing. “‘Are you good?’ is almost like leading the witness,” Gaines explains. “You’re basically handing them the answer you want: ‘Yeah, I’m good.’”
Instead, he recommends asking open-ended questions and being willing to follow up. Questions like “What’s been taking the most out of you?” or “You don’t seem like yourself lately. What’s been going on?” can create more room for someone to open up. But asking questions is only part of checking in. Gaines says he then tries to “shut up” rather than immediately offering advice, giving the other person space to talk.
Das says this is something she would have appreciated herself. “Sometimes I wish people had taken it one step further when I said, “I’m fine,” she adds. “Because when someone says they’re fine, that doesn’t necessarily mean they’re fine.”
What to Do If They’re Not Okay
If someone doesn’t want to talk, Gaines suggests respecting that boundary while making it clear that your support isn’t going anywhere. Checking in doesn’t always require a conversation. Watching TV together, sharing a meal, or sitting in the same room can say enough. Even a text—“Woke up thinking about you this morning”—can remind someone they are not alone. “I think we underestimate how often presence is the intervention,” Gaines says.
But if you’re concerned that someone may be considering suicide, Gaines notes it’s important to ask directly: “Have you been thinking about suicide?” He emphasizes that asking directly about suicide does not put the idea in someone’s head. And it’s important to remember that struggles aren’t always visible.“Your life doesn’t have to look like an emergency for you to be in crisis,” Gaines says.
If you or someone you know may be considering suicide, contact the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline. For more resources, visit Silence the Shame.